Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
