you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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