the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
