Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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