two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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