u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
