I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
