The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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