I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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