You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
