...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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