Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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