Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have tasted many bathrooms
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
