My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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