it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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