did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
