I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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