so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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