tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
