you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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