But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
