hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
