I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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