....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
