I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize