My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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