Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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