oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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