2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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