Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
