I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
