I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
