I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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