Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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