my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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