She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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