Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
