i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
