If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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