I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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