just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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