True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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