Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
