I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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