I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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