Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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