i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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