i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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