i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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