WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
