You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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