It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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