My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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