Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
